So today has been a bad day. One of the worst since the start of the year. The only saving grace really is where earlier on the year I’d have had some sort of tantrum/outburst/explosion, having a few more tools in the coping toolbox these days , I managed to avoid that. I did however have a pretty nasty anxiety attack then I pretty much shut down for a few hours. I wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and be alone, scared the pressure of stress and emotion was going to break the dam and flood the valley. Easier said than done when you have two kids to occupy though, especially when they’re too young to understand why daddy is suddenly acting like an arsehole and an emotional wreck.
With a bit of will and determination I dragged myself out and as a family we went to a Christmas fair at a garden centre. It was packed and in all honesty it took every ounce of my will to not have another attack and break down. I do not do well in crowds. Eventually I have calmed down and admittedly I still don’t feel right, but I feel much better than I did this morning. Depression you are a complete fucker and I will make it my mission to destroy you.
Back to the docs tomorrow.